Sadness and Healing
Another of my friends passed away at the end of January. Complications from Covid and an existing heart murmur. I don't know why this one affected me so much. Maybe it was just the accumulation of so many deaths that was the impetus I was looking for to finally grieve and regroup.
I missed my friend's circle. There were eight of us, middle age, bar hopping, sports loving, forever single, hopelessly wondering why we settled in Bemidji, friends.
I moved away before Covid struck, came back to the cities and re-introduced myself to all of you and the business I've always loved. The rest of my friends stayed in Bemidji.
My best girlfriend, my second best girlfriend, and the four fun, professional Bemidji bachelors, Elk's members: a professor, football coach, jewelry store owner, and casino manager: my best adult friends for at least seven years.
Now only four of us left.
I went to Bemidji for the funeral and then I just stayed. My best girlfriend has a private out of the way property that I was going to stay in for four days. Days turned into weeks...
I know I don't need to share this with you all. I know I don't need to justify my absence. It's just that the intimacy that I share with you asks for some kind of explanation. I feel sad that I neglected you, and my phone, and my blog, and my twitter. I didn't answer emails. I didn't respond to appointment requests. I apologize. Just, every time I made up my mind to open my computer, it simply didn't happen. I'd make up my mind to drive home in the morning, I just failed to get out of bed. I was sad. So sad.
But I've been sad for all of us. This has been such a hard couple of years. I'd been missing out on the grieving part of it all. Sometimes a person just needs to go away. I slept, wept, made stew with my friend, drank wine, laughed, cried, slept... a lot. Then one day I prayed, began meditating again, went on a cold winter walk.
One day the sadness lifted. I remembered why I like my business, I missed the blog, I missed the Cities. I wanted to come back to my life.
I think sometimes it just happens that way. You let yourself grieve and then get back to living. I'm so blessed, because of all of you, that I have the opportunity to take time off the way I did.
Thank-you. I'm home now.